I used to move so fast my life was a blur. I worked FT in a very high stress job, took care of 2 growing boys, gardened, kept a spotless house, cooked, baked, ran everyone everywhere, did the bills, shopped, gave all the big family parties, and called all my friends on a weekly bases to keep all their lives going too.
Who did I think I was a super woman?? Yes, I did. Then I got sick and God said “Slow down girl and look at your life”.
Why do we feel this driving need to do everything and be everything to everybody to be a good person? Why do we expect so much from ourselves? I know for me it was part my past, part lack of self-esteem and lack of confidence in who I am. I don’t remember a time I didn’t want to please people. Being a perfectionist to me was something I always took great pride in. I always listed it as being one of my best qualities. To this day, it’s one of the qualities I miss the most from who I once was. I can no longer be a perfectionist. I can’t physically or mentally do it anymore.
The hardest lesson for a perfectionist to learn is delegation without criticism, but I had to learn. I had to learn how to allow others to help me and when they did help I had to accept how they did it. This also means being patient and waiting for it to get done without losing it. The “I can do it better and faster” way of doing things is now a thing of the past. I have had to accept this.
There are those of us with FM and other illness that still hold onto the superwomen ideal. Why do they wonder why they are frustrated, flaring, resentful, and envious of the people in our lives that sit there and don’t help or understand how they feel?
Hubby comes home from work, tired, parks on the recliner in front of TV, expects dinner on silver platter, house clean, laundry done and you in a pretty pink dress all shiny and smiling. Every man's dream, right? You work to, but you come home and you believe you should have the energy to be “that every man's dream”, Wrong.
Ask yourself these questions:
Why do you feel this is expected of you?
Who told you, you were expected to do this, this way?
Does he really expect this? Or is it what you think he expects and what you have always done so now he expects it from you?
Would he be willing to help you? Would the kids? Have you asked?
Have you tried to let them help you or have you just criticized the way they do things?
Is your expectations so high and patience so low that the “I can do it myself” thing is so over whelming to you and you just can’t let go?
Think about it. Talk about it with your family. You have changed; your life must change too.
When you talk to your family, etc. give them info on your med condition, explain how it affects you and everything you do. Ask for their help, then except it when given. No, they won’t do it as fast as you or “the way you do”, but it will be done. Yes, this is a rosy picture. I know they aren’t going to jump at the chance to help, but explain to them that by helping you, you will feel better and will have more energy to spend time with them.
Teach your kids how to do a good job. As a parent, you need to teach them how to do these things correctly. These are chores they will need to do as adults. Doing something well will build their self-esteem and confidence. Encourage them by letting them know they are helping you out, being a responsible member of the family and give them a sense of pride in being an important part of the family. You learned this lesson when you were young that’s how you became the perfectionist you are today.
Set up a cleaning schedule where everyone is included and post it in plain sight. Assign tasks for everyone, kids, and hubby** included. This teaches responsibility and that everyone is part of a team that needs to work together as a family. Set expectations of job completion for everyone. Plan reward time if everything is complete on time. If one person didn’t complete the task by that time they don’t get to go or do the reward. This can be as simple as family night with pizza and a video or a camping trip. I never believed in allowance for my kids. Chores are part of being a family and no one pays you to do them, why should kids be paid.
** Some hubby’s had perfectionist as mom’s and never learned to clean, cook or run errands. Given the chance, encouragement, and training they can still learn. Mine did!
Men like us have bad days and good days. I know when my Hubby gets upset with me it's not always about me, it's something else that's bothering him. Knowing what he is frustrated and upset about can help to open a path of communication. Sitting down and talking things out, working things out with an open mind will go a long way in getting through all the changes in both your lives.
Men like the book says, think in black and white, broken, fix it. My hubby gets frustrated when I'm in a flare because there is nothing he can do to "fix it.” Some time they just get upset cause they feel helpless because they don’t know how to help us. I asked my hubby this once and his eyes just shined and he said exactly, that just how he feels.
So, what are we to do? Give them information, simple basic information. Sit down and review it with them. Bring them to your Dr visit or therapy. Let them see that they aren’t the only one who has no clue; Drs don't have a clue either.
So now that their educated, tell them what you need them to do. Don't include words like “you have to”, or “do this or that”, they will look at that as a command, and you don't want that. I think I said something to the effect of...”When I'm in a flare I need lots of gentle hugs. I do what I can, but I need you to be patient with me. When I'm in a flare, my whole body is screaming. If you want to help me you could”...insert list here. Don't make it too big or complicated. I think this gives them something to keep them busy and feel useful when you hurt. When they finish, a task be overly thankful. We don't need to be thanked for all the millions of things we do but they live for the thank yous.
Another thing hubby and I do is divide up tasks. You gather up trash, he takes it out. You sort the wash, he loads, you fold, and he puts away. You dust, he vacuums. You rinse and load the dishwasher, he unloads. You clean up the kitchen; he wipes down the cabinets and sweeps the floor.
You are partners in the fight against this monster. Your life has changed it effects everyone not just you. You have to get everyone on the same page, family, and friends included. Those that choose not to understand, well it's their choice, and that's that. You have to take care of you. I know it sounds selfish but Stress does equal pain and you sure don't need any more pain.
So stop feeling guilty for the things you can’t do. Stop expecting so much of yourself. Reach out to your family, friends and significant other and not only educate them on FM, but what you need when you’re in a flare. Let them know how they can help, then except their help with thanks and encouragement, not criticism. Learn to forgive yourself, you did nothing wrong to get FM, it just happened. Life is different. Learn your limitations and adapt to new ways of doing things. Be good to you.
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